The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
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|Released||28 March 2006|
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which includes the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", is a satirical text written by Bobby Henderson that is considered to embody the main beliefs of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), a parody religion mocking Intelligent Design (ID).
- The Blunders of Science
- The Need for Alternative Theories
- An Alternative Viewpoint
- Toward a New SuperScience
- What's the Matter with Evolution
- An Alternate Vision
- FSM vs. ID, an Unlikely Alliance
- Communion Test
- Unified Spaghetti Theory
- More Evidence
- Kiwi Birds: Flightless?
- Explaining Pastafarianism
- A Condensed History of the World
- Key Moments in FSM History
- Bobby Answers the Big Questions
- The Holy Noodle
- A History of Heretics
- The Pastafarian Guide to Propaganda
- A Guide to the Holidays
- Enlightenment Institute
The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"
While brooding atop Mount Salsa because he cannot find a Pirate ship, Mosey the Pirate captain --a parody of Moses from the Old Testament-- receives some advice from the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the form of ten stone tablets. These were called the "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" by the FSM, the "Commandments" by Mosey, and the "Condiments" by his Pirate gang. While there were originally ten tablets, two were dropped on the way back down the mountain, with eight remaining. This event "partly accounts for Pastafarians' flimsy moral standards". The FSM's commandments address the treatment of people of other faiths, worship of the FSM, sexual conduct, and nutrition.
The event is very similar to a scene from Mel Brooks's History of the World Part I, in which the Moses character originally receives fifteen commandments but accidentally drops five of them, leaving only the Ten Commandments.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B******
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
- Ending Poverty
- Curing Diseases
- Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
In the chapter "An Alternate Vision", the suggestion of "Unintelligent Design" is proposed. The argument is that because of all the problems in the world, the Flying Spaghetti Monster must have been drunk, careless, etc. when he first created life. A list of ten examples is given to support this, including such things as disco music, Jar Jar Binks, and the popular "McPidgin Sandwich" sold at McDonald's.
Schneider and Frederick have recently proposed the first scientific proof of "Unintelligent Design" by claiming that the insertion of species Penne rigate into species Rigatone, order Pasta resulted in the creation of a new species of Noodleous doubleous. Schneider considered the only explanation is that this was caused by the holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose "noodly appendage intervened".
- Bobby Henderson. The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (2006). ISBN 0-81-297656-8