-Feanor.Net :: Deeper Magic from the Dawn of Time-

Farsighted is me.

Trade accepted in JESUSLAND

Teams Involved:
Lou's Chicago Crew - maggie sleman
Hamburg Snatch Vacuums - Travis Schaffner

LCC trades Brandon Phillips, Cin 2B to Snatch Vacuums
LCC trades Dan Haren, Ari SP to Snatch Vacuums
VAG trades Ian Stewart, Col 3B to Chicago Crew
VAG trades Josh Hamilton, Tex OF to Chicago Crew
VAG trades Jermaine Dye, CWS OF to Chicago Crew
VAG trades Tim Lincecum, SF SP to Chicago Crew

Mags really, really wants to beat her man-friend this year. Apparently, once victorious, one is awarded with 'INALIENABLE BRAGGART TRAITS' or somesuch. So we're wheeling, a bit dastardly, and it's all perfectly legal because I've got T.Hunter, R.Ludwick, M.Holliday, and C.Rasmus on my bench(++commissioner privs) ... and to be perfectly honest I think Timmy will be outstripped by our old farmhand Danny(I'M COMIN' DAN) before the season is completely wrapped. Cy Young to Mr. Haren, and you can start printing those papers precious, right now. The only problem I have with this is having to endure Dusty's All-Tool juggernaut at 2nd.

Now, we've got a revenge run against some Wrigley-wrecked Imperial Frigate hailing out of Houston while the scrubs face their first taste of major league pitching since before the break. I think you'll recognize a few subtle changes in the division come Monday morn.
_________

Sure sure, we're back in 1st.
But there's vastly more important things. Like cleverness, bravery...
And perhaps a one in a m(b)(tr)illion friend losing her papa.
This night, all the brains are fixated on you Ivy-roo.
Our pulsating chest organs? Those too.

All over me, all over you.
The sun, fields, sky.

_________

There are only a few remedies for the mental devastation one contracts when his or her soul-bound baseballing team is unseated from first by the pureblood nemesis of both aforementioned organization and citizen. And it's probably wise to jot them down, from time to time, as it's a fairly lengthy season, if I recall correctly...

--> MENTIONING THE TERMS "PAYROLL" & "101 DALMATIONS-SLASH-YEARS" & "DOUCHEBAGGERY INCARNATE" & "GASTROPOD MANAGERIAL BLOWJOBBERY" WHEREVER APPLICABLE, WITH A SIDE OF AD NAUSEUM.

--> FRESH, IN SEASON CORN ON THE COB(J) HAILING FROM SOUTHERN IOWA, BUTTERED WESTERN ILLINOIS STYLE, AND THE INGESTION, DIGESTION THEREOF.

--> QUASI-ACCIDENTALLY SPAWN. TWINS, EVEN. NOT THE TEAM, THE MULTIPLE FERTILIZED EGGS, BECAUSE THEN, YOU'D THINK YOU'D HAVE MORE PRESSING PRIORITIES THAN CRINGING EVERY OTHER MINUTE WHEN GLANCING BACK AT THE PHILS OUTPUT VERSUS TODD WELLEMEYER, THE PITCHER OF THE MONTH IN MAY, '08, AND ENDURING YET ANOTHER EASY-AS-FLOPPY-TITTY-TASSLES BROOMAGE FOR THE ENEMY AS YOU REALIZE OUR SECOND HALF SCHEDULES COULD NOT BE ANY MORE OFF-BALANCE IN TERMS OF DIFFICULTY. SO YOU SEE, PROCREATE, AND YOU SAVE YOURSELF FROM BLEEDING ONE'S CARCASS OUT AS YOU HOPE TO SURVIVE ANOTHER SEASON IN THE EMBARRASSINGLY PARODY-INFUSED NL CENTRAL.

--> ENJOYING THE LIFE REMOVAL SPELL BINDING ON C.DIGGORY-PATTINSON'S BROW, OVER AND OVER, AND OVER, UNTIL I FEEL OBLIGATED TO WATCH TWILIGHT(admittedly for the seventeenth time, at least) AGAIN WITHOUT THROWING UP OR TURNING INTO A MAKESHIFT PORNO.

Have it your way.
/brandishes
( ! ) EXPELLIARMUHAVADAKEDAVRA ( ! )

_______

/activates Verbatim-wand
/flourishes

"So you're telling me that I'm supposed to be caring that you got Matt Halladay...?

It's Holliday, the Rockies outfielder from Oakland. Not the pitcher Roy Halladay, you drunk tardmaster.

"Halladay, I know, that's what I said. Matt Halladay. I'll tell you what..."

What, sobriety incarnate, what is it...

"This dog that just crossed the road cares a fuckton more about Matt Halladay than I do, I'm supposed to fear that lineup now? What we need is a train. We need a train out of here that's what the Cubs need..."

Dude. You are more drunk than I have ever possibly imagined you have been before, or could be, going forward.

"Yea, well, we're not afraid of Matty Halladay, and this dog is just sitting here caring about it, when all I care about is the train. We need a train, man."

It's Holliday. Try not to drown in the Thames, Seine, Danube, Rhone, I have no idea where in the name of fuck you are...

..( click )..

J Lugo 2B 5 2 2 1 0 1 .289
M DeRosa 3B 4 1 1 1 0 2 .260
A Pujols 1B 4 2 1 0 1 0 .327
M Holliday LF 5 1 4 1 0 0 .293
R Ludwick RF 5 1 2 1 0 1 .275
Y Molina C 4 1 1 1 1 1 .288
R Ankiel CF 4 0 3 3 0 0 .228
B Ryan SS 4 0 1 0 0 0 .275
Totals 39 8 15 8 2 8

______

Needless to say I almost died.
Not even a splashdown, bad touch bath time session in my adolescent cauldron could correct the bulk of this weekend, at least, from a biological standpoint.

CHECKMEOUT.

_________

Don't you(N.L.) have anything new... ( ? )
No, not really, but it's apparent that some people are maturing.
Well, compared to me.

We even scrounged up the overwhelming gumption to discuss the latest shit-stained air sensation... some sort of a sealed-beneath-the-sheets joust amidst horrifying biofailed air, brought to Chicagoland by the Demon of Atmospherics, the youngest male of these fair ramparts. He or she who may endure the longest within said rot balloon wins... I haven't the faintest... a thorough, intrusive ass bath as administered by their leading lady or manflesh(MANIFEST OR NO)? I first learned of this procedure in Oakland(SHOCKER TWO HOPPER), so sadly, this craze is at least threatening to envelop the nation faster than The Senior(TRANNY) Senator from South Carolina reaffirms my eternal dissension from the Party, Grand Old...

Asking of nominee Sotomayor...
"What did 9/11 mean to you?"

Lindsey, baby, you're a tool. I'm not even sure my Paps or Marms could pull that type of interrogation off with a straight face in the presence of their third and fourth graders. Gurl, you best be salivating from the eyes and you GOD DAMN BETTER BELIEVE your answer delivers that acceptable balance between a violent, nonsensical emotional response and a focused, determined ongoing sense of vengeance upon TEH ISLAM, RADICAL. But we won't tell you the numerical balance, we won't even ballpark it, apologies madame. And since we cannot waylay your inevitable path to the SuperBench(tm), we will talk straight the phuck down to you for hours so as to please the likes of Boss Rush(NASS) and the ~30% of the nation that clings to neo-con sculpted soundbytes for their bi-weekly calibration around current events. Decaying gentlepersons... you will never win back the center if you continue to treat the general voting pool as predominately illiterate and asininely reactive to only the most acutely mundane concepts, policies, and daily transgressions.

Yes of course it was out there.
Interwebs. Largeish.

_________

a) WillGas(tm) and Related Activities.
b) The Unyielding Gerald.
c) The Aquatic Roof Herald.
d) Weeding and Slighting.
e) The Hugest Butts on the Continent.
f) Because This Hurts.

________

_______

Asians. Asians everywhere.
And not a prop(WOP) to kink. God they're annoying.
Or what. The exact opposite..?

Deep down, in the area of the blood that intertwines with the spirit realm, the Far East hath tended to produced quality. On the whole(j). Said biologics tend to not overconsume, lamely annoy, or cheat you in any facet of life. And they're bouncy and sadistic in just the right doses. And, usually addicted to something that turns chunks of your genetic structure into ugly, ineffective shards. Regardless, as long as they're responsible with monies and generous yet protective with their breastplate displays, when allotted, they should, I've decided, be allowed to live out regular human lives. Progressive, I know.

Similarly, or closelier, or not evenstar, one would have to shove a few roller pigs full of gold bullion to attend Northwestern(R), because obviously, anything else would be just not at all worthy of my overwhelming desire to become Poo(r/ah) White Folk, courtesy Walke, Gerald, Praetor of Sumnerville. What do I need to know that I don't already... besides everything... as the skills and experiences I've amassed have been, for the protection of my sanity and the repulsion of Teh Slammer, become relegated to the giant bucket of dead binary chatter which, after falling to Earth earlier this century, is now situated somewhere under the well-bubbled-yet-spacefaring hull of the aqua-terrestrials' mother ship.

By mad respects(Truman Show,Abyssal,Enemy_a_la_Gates,Alcabond), Ed Harris' basement lodging is gaining on that of the givers of life these days, and hey at least we have the same eye colour so I could be believable spawn. You can ruler-slap me this weekend, my precious boos.
And please, make it hurt.
______

This is how life works.

The Palindrone(tm) is doing her best to return me to the home, original. Because someone has to supplant that piece of manipulable cluelessness if she decides to attempt to transmogrify Iowa into a red state whilst brandishing her roided-out jaw and subsequently demolished nips. And I'll use the very same Calvin-inspired gunnery to change my parents' basement into the home base of a new form of paranormal investigation... that of the Sarahostitute-flavoured atmospheric anomaly. We will caravan across the state, harassing her entourage with a fleet of half-destroyed trucks and Econoline vans, spearheaded by a shagged-out Seymour Hoffman driving point. And, we will do everything we can to bury her tankass before she infects more of my agro-peeps; and/or before she harvests another batch of local (uncertified)plumber clones who may actually put a bullet in my ear before our first refueling stop...

Obviously, (Imperial)Star Destroyer labels for each member of the anti-tard mobile vanguard. My '98 Suburban? That's Executor, betch.
Formidable.

________

HINT: JULY 1st.

i) SIXTY DEGREE MAXIMUM, ALL DAY MIST, WHY.
ii) GYM OF THE LIVING HOMELESS HOW.
iii) THRICE-CURSED BUTTHOLES SIGH.
iv) CARDS GETTING FOUR-HIT REGULARLY AT HOME.
v) SIBLING BACK SPASMS, DESPERATE WHIMPERS, SCREAMS.
vi) HALF-DEFECTIVE ROOMBA FLEET, CHRIST.
vii) LBC INVADERS TOMORROW, BIGGIE SMALLS(x739).
viii) NOTHING ON THE TV BUT KNIVES, LINT, AND CORPSE JACKSON.
ix) AND I GUESS IRAN IS, LIKE, OUT OF CONTROL STILL.
x) AMERICA IS GOING GREAT, MAINTAINS CLASSY PRIORITIES.

It is time for whiskies, junctioned, up a staircase.
And... GIANT WEIGHTED BALLS WITH THREE HOLES.
Sibs everywhere.
Won't leave.

And now, to the delight of Berry, Halle, you're going to make me feel good, whilst I gurgle purple juices, dearest legendary lady bird...

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